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It’s tempting to avoid spending time processing painful emotions. Most of us tend to steer clear of pain at all costs. But when emotions go unprocessed, they get shoved down where they lay bubbling, ready to ooze out at unexpected times and in uninvited ways.
Because I was only eight when I was diagnosed with a visual impairment, I didn’t have the cognitive or emotional intelligence to process my new reality and work to understand how it would impact my life. So, I became very good at living behind my circumstances. In all honesty, I hated my visual impairment. Being different was humiliating, frustrating, and made me feel like damaged goods. I exerted a lot of energy hiding my differences, trying to feel competent, and looking like I was in control.
With such a view of myself, you can imagine that it would be nearly impossible for me to feel fearfully and wonderfully made as Psalm 139:14 claims. People who tried to inspire me with these words only left me angry wondering how God could think it was wonderful to purposely create me to live partially sighted while most people I knew experienced life with little or no physical limitation. It often felt unfair–like I was just the poor girl one who drew the short stick in the genetic pool. When we hide our pain from others, it threatens to consume us, leaving the door open for anger, bitterness, and resentment to make themselves at home.
So, instead of trying to understand what it truly meant to be fearfully and wonderfully made, I ignored this verse and assumed it was true for others but not for me. I adopted a damaging practice related to God and His Word-thinking I could believe only the parts that felt true.
What I also didn’t realize is that there is a vastly deep connection between my childhood grief and my adulthood grief of losing Dalton. Remember how I said our unprocessed emotions and pain come back in uninvited ways?
My erroneous beliefs about God, His Word, and His love began oozing and forced me to give them some attention. The experiences we bring to our suffering impact how we view, process, and heal from the adversity. Losing Dalton to suicide demanded that I unpack many truths about why a loving God watches horrible events all over the earth and does nothing to stop them. For the past three years, I have searched high and low to do just that. Maybe you have pondered this hefty, formidable question yourself. What I learned is that while there are many reasons behind suffering, the origin of all evil is the broken world we live in that includes an Enemy always on the prowl to deceive, distract, and destroy. God doesn’t create or cause evil. The Enemy does.
Recognizing this Truth opened my eyes to see that God didn’t cause my disability (or my child to die). He allowed it. God didn’t intend for me to be legally blind. He hates when His children experience illnesses, impairments, and afflictions. What I love most about my Heavenly Father is that He refuses to let the pain I have to walk through go to waste. Thankfully, I don’t have to face endless difficult things day in and day out just because I was an unlucky person who unfortunately ended up with an eye disease. And you don’t have to face your hardships just because either.
Because God allowed it, He promises to accomplish wonderful things with it and through it.
This doesn’t help me love my suffering anymore than I did before. But it gives me a deeper love for the God who allowed my suffering solely to accomplish His divine works.
Genesis 50:20 says, “You (Satan) intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” I wish that Psalm 139:14 and Genesis 50:20 were neighbors in the Bible.
I don’t have to pretend anymore that I believe God designed me with a disability on purpose. Or recite Psalm 139:16 while gritting my teeth behind a smile because that’s what Christians are supposed to believe. I can confidently speak it as Truth because that’s exactly what He did. I’m not fearfully and wonderfully made because I’m visually impaired. I’m fearfully and wonderfully made because God knit me together in such a way that I can live well in spite of my visual impairment (and grief).
Just how did God create me wonderfully while also allowing me to be visually impaired at the same time? He designed me to be resilient in spite of the daily obstacles and demands I face. God placed in me a deep love and desire to serve others in their needs. My loving Father created me with a longing to spend time getting to know Him each day. God knit me together with a heart and brain that could be completely decimated by grief and trauma; yet, with time, tears, intentional grief work, and a deep connection to Himself, be able to heal in such a way that I can use my story for His glory. That’s pretty amazing if you ask me.
It took me losing Dalton to recognize that God didn’t mess up when He intricately formed me. First Timothy 4:4 says, “For everything God created is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving.”
God can’t transform our ashes into beauty if we bury them because of fear, shame, or anger. That’s what I did for almost 40 years. He can only use what we are willing to be vulnerable, open, and honest about.
I don’t know what’s keeping you from feeling fearfully and wonderfully made today. But I pray that my experiences and discoveries can lead you to a secure confidence in knowing that your Heavenly Father knew just what He was doing when He designed you……. even if He allowed painful aspects that make life hard or maybe even unbearable. He wants to use those hurts, wounds, and burdens. Trust Him with each one, asking Him not to let them be for nothing. He will do for you what He is doing for me.
Father God–There are things about me and my life that I don’t like. At times, it even feels overwhelming. The Enemy wants to discourage me and keep me from a relationship with You. Walk closely to me, providing your strength with each step. Give me the energy, drive, and resilience to overcome all my hurdles. And most importantly, work in me and through me to produce something beautiful out of every ounce of evil that You allowed. Help me to keep trusting You even though this world doesn’t make sense. Amen.
