Joy: God’s Medication for My Hurting Heart

 Opposites attract.  Or so the saying goes.

In marriage, this usually translates into: Opposites are a necessity because they balance each other out.  

Joy and pain can feel like opposites to a grieving heart. Opposites that I am finding have a very unique relationship though.  In fact, it’s almost as if I can’t have one without the other.

My separation from Dalton fills my world with anguish.  His  absence is written across every piece of me.  Being without his physical presence in daily life produces an emptiness inside me that grows deeper by the day.  The aching for his infectious smile, deep voice, warm hug, boisterous laughter, and brilliant blue eyes clenches my heart. 

But thankfully, God knows the human soul isn’t capable of carrying such devastation without an opposing emotion that strives to produce more of an equilibrium.

I am discovering that joy is God’s medication for my hurting heart. God prescribes what I need before I even know I need it.  Out of His lovingkindness and goodness, He sends “capsules of joy” into my life.  New friendships.  Tiime with Carly and Kirk making new memories. Opportunities to encourage other bereaved parents in their devastation and despair.  Evenings of Bible study with youth who are eager to know God. A rewarding role as a teacher who touches the lives of my students.  Time spent writing blog posts that encourage others who are also suffering deep, unimaginable sorrow.  The Promise of eternity in Heaven resulting from the gift of Jesus Christ (This one is an oversized capsule!).

Let me be clear though.  This DOES NOT mean that joy erases pain.

Nothing ever will on this side of Heaven.  It’s gut-wrenching to live without your child or walk through other events that lead to distress in our broken world.  People generally work to avoid pain.  However,  when pain is the direct result of the love we hold for another human, we protectively refuse to let go of the ache in our heart. 

God honors my desperation to retain a portion of my pain as an expression of my love for Dalton.  So in His infinite wisdom, He created an anecdote to heartache……..joy.  He writes a prescription with the exact does of joy I need each day to withstand the precise amount of crushing pain He allows me to carry.  

Without my pain, moments of joy aren’t as deep and fulfilling. I don’t appreciate them as richly and take them for granted. Pain illuminates the joyous parts of life and grows my capacity to fully experience its life-giving effects.

Without joy, my pain would stomp on me and grind me into the ground. 

Pain pushes on me from one side while joy pushes on me from the other. Most of the time, one is stronger than the other. Rarely are they exactly equal. But, their opposing forces hold me up and keep me from crumbling.

I am in awe.  God knows exactly what He’s doing.

If you are just beginning your child loss journey or another road of suffering, I see you standing in the sea of hopelessness.  Right now, all you feel is the shattering heartbreak that rolls over you in a tsunami of grief. But as you continue walking moment by moment and day by day in God’s grace, morsels of joy will slither their way in, piece by piece.  The Divine Pharmacist will faithfully refill your script over and over and over.  Sometimes without you even knowing, yet other refills will come as a result of your  intense lamenting and begging. And when you least expect it, you will, like me, realize that your pain and joy are walking together hand in hand.  They need each other on this long road. 

I realize now my initial thoughts were wrong. Maybe opposites isn’t appropriate anymore. Perhaps a better description would be that joy and pain exist in tandem as they complement each other to help us persevere in this hard thing called “Life in a Broken World.”

Whatever the case, I am grateful for every dose of joy-infused medication God sends my way. Each dose lets me hold onto my love for Dalton while finding a way to live well until I see him again.