When God Says No

As parents, we tell our kids no or not right now a lot.

Can we go to the movies tonight?

Can I buy this toy?

Can my friend spend the night?

Can we get another dog? 

There are endless reasons why parents have to say no.  In some cases, the parent is able to give a specific, logical reason.  In other cases, the reason is left unexplained, leaving the child irritated or even angry.

Consider a newly licensed teenager who wants to take a long road trip with several friends in the car.  Fear wells up in the parents causing them to refute the child’s plan.  The parents know this is not a responsible option as it presents loads of liability on their adolescent who just gained newfound independence with a vehicle. 

However, the 16-year-old views the situation from the perspective that he is legally able to travel wherever he desires.  The law says he is competent and the denied request is unfair.  How could you tell me no?  This makes no sense!  No matter how much explaining the parents offer, the teenager is left questioning such an unjust decision.

When my 15-year-old son unexpectedly and without any warning signs ended his own life in May of 2020, hundreds of questions instantly ravaged my mind.  Three years later, nearly every single question lingers.

Unanswered questions profoundly complicate grief. 

Grief experts identify acceptance as one of the essential components when working to come to terms with deep loss.  Yet, coming to a place of acceptance with never-ending what ifs and I will never know’s is virtually impossible.

For the average person, the word acceptance is commonly misrepresented.  We tend to attach meaning reflecting the notion that we will eventually feel “okay” with our new reality. Friends and family may express that you just need to accept what has happened. Yes, most of us will continue functioning in life and doing the things all humans must do.  What other choice do we have? But like me, I imagine most parents would never feel that life is “okay” without their child.  A piece of life will always be missing.    

Even though I have lived over 37 months without Dalton and acknowledge this is my reality for the rest of my days on Earth, my heart still cannot bear the weight of fully accepting my loss.

However, during a conversation I had with a friend a few months ago, I began to feel some changes taking place.  

I still despise my circumstances, I told her, and I miss Dalton more than I ever thought was possible.  But I feel God whispering to my heart.  Not a “sudden, fall-in-my-lap” type of epiphany.  Instead, one that has been very gentle, slow, and subtle.  I hear Him saying, Lisa, I know you want Dalton there with you on Earth.  You want to still be his mom and make memories with him. Enjoy his achievements and milestones. Watch him grow into a fine, young adult.  That’s what every parent wants, and you aren’t any different.  

But, for reasons I can’t explain and reasons you would never be able to comprehend, the answer is no.  That’s not what I have for you right now. This is how it has to be.  It hurts me just as much as it does you.  Know that I do love you, and I will be with you every step of the way. I will never leave you or abandon you.  I will sustain you with every need you have.

Does this sound familiar to anything you have ever said to your children?  

It definitely echoes loudly in my ears.  

Straight acceptance of Dalton’s absence means I must surrender to the life circumstances that I hate. Nothing will ever make sense about my son’s death. How is it possible to trust a life that feels as though it will crumble at any moment?

Yet, as I listened to God’s gentle voice, He began to help me see that unanswered questions are vastly different in His hands. There really are answers to this incomprehensible tragedy. God has every single one. They just aren’t for me right now. That brings me closer to acceptance than I ever thought I could be. My acceptance isn’t of my shattered reality. My acceptance is in acknowledging that I can’t carry the answers to my why’s right now. So God is carrying them for me.

I have to be honest. Submitting to a God who withholds the answers I want would be inconceivable though if I knew nothing about His character. Personally discovering the life-giving attributes of God is what makes it feasible for me to trust in His Sovereignty while walking through ashes.

God is……

• Loving (John 3:16, John 14:21, Psalm 36:7)

• Comforting  (Isaiah 51:12)

• Faithful  (Joshua 1:5, Jeremiah 3:12)

• Forgiving  (Isaiah 44:22)

• Gracious  (Psalm 116:5)

• Merciful  (Psalm 145:8)

• The provider of all my needs (Philippians 4:19)

• Constant-never changing (Hebrews 13:8)

• My protector-He fights for me (Exodus 14:14)

• My sustainer  (Isaiah 46:4)

Humans are unwilling to trust people they don’t know.  Trusting God isn’t any different.

The deeper you know Him, the easier it will be to surrender to His Sovereignty-especially in the Dark where it feels exceptionally scary.

Accepting a senseless, dreadful tragedy that offers zero explanation is unattainable.

Trusting and surrendering to a powerful, loving God who offers eternity in Heaven absolutely is!

As is true for all things grief-related, my surrender is not a one-and-done scenario. It is absolutely a decision I have to make over and over and over. At the very moment I am writing this blog post, my husband is preparing to coach in a football All-Star game that Dalton should have played in tonight in celebration of the seniors.  My daughter and I should have been excited all day to make the hour and a half trip in anticipation of this exciting culmination of all the football games Dalton ever played.  This weekend has jerked our hearts around a lot.  And, once again, I had to make the conscious choice to trust God.  A choice that says, God, I still hate this.  This is not what I ever thought my life would look like.  The separation from Dalton is unbearable.  It is so unfair. I should be going to watch him play one last time tonight. But because you prove to me over and over that you love me and are worthy of my trust, I surrender to your Sovereignty.  You told me no.  Help me to trust You because right now my heart is aching.  

You, too, may be facing life circumstances that feel impossible to accept. I encourage you to start by pursuing knowledge of God’s character.  Read the verses I referenced above daily.  Allow these Scriptures to soak into your heart time and again. Pray that God will show you evidence of each of His traits.  Listen for examples of His lovingkindness in praise and worship music.  Find a Christian mentor who can fill you with reminders of the Promises of God.  Display the attributes of God in areas you see frequently at home or at work. 

In my search for answers to my suffering, I invested endless hours trying to understand God.  But the more I tried to understand Him, the more confused I became.  My confusion taught me He doesn’t want me to understand Him.  He wants me to know Him.  And He wants you to know Him, too.