Turn On Your Mic

I imagine many of you have heard at least one life-changing testimony of a person whose life was dramatically renewed because of their acceptance of faith in God.  Former drug addicts or criminals that found Christ often have inspiring stories that  display God’s grace and mercy prompting others to follow Christ, as well.   

Over the past few weeks, several members of the church we are attending have given their testimony of their walk with the Lord.  These testimonies prompted me to do a lot of reflecting about my own faith walk.  My personal “coming to Christ” story has always felt boring and mundane.  Run-of-the-mill.  I grew up in church and gave my heart to Jesus at a young age.  Nothing out of the ordinary.  But after listening to others share their stories, I realized how my testimony goes far beyond the moment I became a Christian.  Yes, that is the beginning.  The moment I discovered my life here on earth is not the end.  But certainly not where my testimony ends!  This is an account that extends beyond my initial point of salvation.  It encompasses the seconds, minutes, days, weeks, months, and years that God graciously and mercifully rescues me (saves me) over and over and over.

My faith journey transformed from mundane to anything but in the blink of an eye on May 14, 2020, when my youngest child and only son went to Heaven after taking his own life. No warning signs, indications, or hints of depression.  No drugs, alcohol, break-ups, or bad decisions that caused him regret.  Nothing.  Just your average healthy, hilarious Christian teenager who loved life and had made plans to do odd jobs for people and play on a competitive basketball team over the summer. He was definitely not living his life as though it were going to end abruptly anytime soon.   

 My story of child loss is anything but amazing.  But the God in my story IS absolutely amazing!  Now, please note that just because I know, trust, and believe in a God that is amazing doesn’t mean that my walk through child loss has been peaceful, easy, painless, or full of sheer blessings.  No way, no how!  Just because I am a believer doesn’t give me immunity to the assaults of the Enemy.  But having God in my story does give me access to the power of the Father and everything I need to survive my unimaginable grief.  

 “With man this (child loss) is impossible.  But with God, all things are possible (even living without one of your children).”  Matthew 19:26 (Items in parentheses were added by me.) 

At Dalton’s memorial service, my husband found the courage to speak. Out of that message, I gained a place to hurl my blame.  Anytime people experience a loss, we as humans desperately search for something or someone to blame.  Placing blame gives us a target for our anger, hurt, rage, and disgust over what happened. I realized that the Enemy was the ultimate one to blame in our tragedy.  He drug Dalton away through his emotions and lied to him, telling him his life was not valuable and that he didn’t matter.  He told Dalton that his family would not miss him, and we would be better off without him.  

In Priscilla Shirer’s book, The Armor of God, she explains Satan’s intentions this way.  “What he wants is to lead you into sin so that fellowship is broken between you and God-between you and the One who provides your true power and strength.  Then, weakened and vulnerable, you’ll be susceptible to his plans to destroy you.”

This poignant description precisely explains what happened to my son.  And even though my brain knows Satan is the culprit, my heart, which endured trauma, stress, and guilt, often finds itself searching for “the reason why this happened.”  Early in my nightmare, this question tormented me way more than I would ever like to admit.  And unfortunately, even now, almost 3 years out, it still creeps in, uninvited.  But, as I journal, talk to friends or family, visit my grief therapist, and spend time alone in my thoughts, God lovingly steers me back to the broken world I live in and the Enemy who “prowls around like a lion looking for someone to devour”  (1 Peter 5:8).  In the end, the wrestling diffuses, and I ultimately cast my blame on the evil one whom I refuse to give any further victory to.  

The Enemy’s goal at all times is to discourage, deceive, and destroy Christians.  He will stop at nothing to accomplish this.  That is exactly what he set out to do on May 14, 2020.  He knew that Dalton was a threat as a believer.  And this infuriates me!  

Satan also knew that each member of our household are all believers, too.  In his efforts to destroy Dalton’s influence as a Christian, he intended to take my husband, daughter, and me down, as well.  Little did he know, all of us are indestructible because we belong to God.  Even when we leave this earth, our lives can still shine for Christ.  As Dalton’s mom, I get to carry on his influence by helping him make a difference from Heaven. 

Satan didn’t know he picked on the wrong girl. 

I love another quote from Priscilla Shirer’s book.  “Satan knows that he cannot destroy you.  Too late for that.  The best he can do (and he intends to make full use of it)  is to make your time on earth futile and unproductive, to suffocate you with fear, insecurity, and discouragement until you are unable to live freely and fully.  He can’t “unseat” you (from God’s Kingdom), but he can intimidate you and render you ineffective and paralyzed.”

There is NO way I will stand by and let the Enemy have another sliver of victory on my watch!  He did succeed at taking Dalton from this earth.  In retaliation, I will stop at nothing to utilize every ounce of Dalton’s precious life, working overtime to bring others to Christ.  I refuse  to allow Satan to neutralize any influence Dalton would have had.  Now, my mission is even louder. Instead of Dalton being silenced, God handed me my son’s microphone as I live with hope.  Hope that I will get to spend eternity with Dalton in Heaven.  God is teaching me how to survive my past because of my future.   

Satan tried. But he failed miserably!

The tragic loss of a child shatters your world and your faith.  Everything you believed before is now being seen through a new lens. A very foggy grief lens.  Questions swirl around over and over wondering where God is.  How could this happen?  Is God really good?  Why didn’t he stop this?  Does He love me?  When your life doesn’t “feel good,” it is hard to turn to a God who promises to be good. 

You have probably heard people oversimplify suffering with the expression, “All I needed was God.”  And while this is true, the beauty of it is that when we have God, He isn’t all we get. In my case, He gave me Godly friends/family and counselors, His loving Word, Christian ministry groups for bereaved parents, books by faith-filled authors who have also suffered deeply, Christian podcasts that remind me what I am feeling is normal, and sermons by pastors that tenderly guide me.  Each of these gifts, in its own way, has rescued me at my darkest times and encouraged me. All available to me because I belong to God. 

Frequently, my head knowledge far outweighs how my heart feels. For a long time, it was easy to feel like God didn’t love me.  But the Bible promises that, indeed, He loves me and you more than we could ever imagine.  So, I resolved to keep turning to God even when my heart didn’t feel like trusting.  Matthew 17:20 says it takes a “mustard seed of faith.”  This helped me realize that I didn’t need giant faith to depend on God.  A tiny seed would do it, which was all I had after a wrecking ball demolished my world.  God meets me where I am and helps me grow my faith with each and every gift I mentioned above.  He can and will do the same for you.

“Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.”  Isaiah 30:21

There is no detailed guide book to child loss or any other type of suffering for that matter that lists a step-by-step plan of how to make it through each day.  But this verse in Isaiah reminds me that I don’t need the guide book.  God makes the Way for me.  I don’t have to rely on Google Maps to carefully plot out my journey.  How could I?  I can’t even see a few steps in front of me!  Instead, God does that for me.  He says, “Lisa, this is the way; walk in it.”  To be completely honest, this Way is often bumpy, rugged, treacherous, and lined with many sharp-edged rocks that, at times, leave scars on me that will never heal.  I still cry buckets of tears and have moments when I am clenching my aching heart while trembling on the floor. But I am sticking to the Way God is giving me.  It’s the only Way because it leads me to Him.

I am not alone.  He is with me.    

I have many favorite passages now from God’s word that comfort me.  One that ranks toward the very top is Psalm 40: 1-3.  “I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry.  He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.  He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God .  Many will see and fear the Lord and put their trust in him.”  

Dear friends, God lifts me out of the mud and slimy pit every single day.  And multiple times depending on the day. He puts my feet on a firm place so I can stand and function and carry on with life, even when I don’t want to.  Praising God  in the midst of my storm does not come naturally and requires me to do it even with my heels dug in.  This is what I call sacrifice.  Praising God because He deserves it even when my feelings aren’t congruent.   I pray desperately for God to use every single tear I have shed.  Oh, how sweet it would be if my tears of sorrow could be replaced with tears of joy in knowing others put their trust in God because they see me living with Hope in spite of my crippling tragedy.

My Grief Share group  gave me an important principle to ponder.  I would be horrified if I arrived in Heaven and God said, “Lisa, why did you waste all the days I gave you on earth to bring people to me because of your grief?  I trusted you with not just one, but two microphones and you left them both on mute.”

Even if you haven’t experienced child loss or some other form of intense suffering, God has still trusted you with a microphone of your very own.  The one he wants all Christians to use to spread his message.  If we all turn our microphones to full volume, we can hush the Enemy’s voice because we will be amplifying God’s!

My story is definitely one I never would have volunteered for or raised my hand and said yes to.  But since it’s mine, I will let God use it.  What story do you have that God is ready to use?